The first day of school, fine. Second day fine. Then I think it dawned on him, "This is forever!!!" His life has been so nurturing and loving and FREE up to this point. Day three, four and five and some intermingled in there up until today, have been filled with break downs, sometimes several in one day: stomach aches, 3 times in one day to the nurses office; stand offs, "I will not go;" Waking up numerous times at night; Fitful sleep; to "the days are too long, I want to come home." He does have a point on this one and I agree. School no longer starts at 9:00 but 7:50. He no longer gets out at 12:00 but at 3:00. That's a big change. Grandmother is not feeling too good at this point. She wants to kiss and FIX him and make it all OK.
As a grandmother I only have snippets of time to be with him in a way I could not be there for my own children. Why? Number 1, because I did not know then what I know today and number 2, I was still an emotional child myself and at war with myself. (more on that at a later date)
So what do I know today that I did not know then? As a Licensed Professional Counselor, I have worked with hundreds of people who also did not know what I now know. The three principles I want to have an Open Heart about today, I learned the hard way; chaos in the family, personal counseling for myself, and then the academic route in graduate school.
Principle #1. Children, adults too, either talk out or act out their pain. We are not born with the capacity to talk out our pain. A child has no idea what is happening to him/her on the inside. It just feels "bad, it hurts." So they act out. Talking things out has to be taught and learned; taught by the parent and if not later taught by a professional. So when a child acts out this is your signal, you need to help him/her talk "it" out. Your first try may come with an "I don't want to talk." Leave them alone for a couple of hours or even if needs be a few days. But DO go back and get "it" out. (We don't know what "it" is at this point, neither do they.) So don't ask what is wrong? More than likely you won't get an answer.
My therapist used to say to me, "The pain you are feeling needs to be thrown up much like throwing up when having a upset stomach . You need to get that pain up and out of you and we will do that by talking it out." I am reminded of the Bible verse that says, "Share ye one another's burdens that you may be healed." The sharing with someone who will not judge you, give you immediate advice or try to fix you is indeed spiritual and healing. Pain does not just go away with time, it accumulates and crescendos and impacts your relationship with God, with yourself and with others adversely.
Principle #2: Take the child's acting out, fears, anger etc. seriously. It is as real a confusion of pain to him as it is to us when we "freak" out on the inside over some situation. No matter how many "It will be better," "Things will be fine," It will be really fun today," "You will make so many new friends," etc. comments we make to encourage them, they WILL backfire. Rightly or wrongly 100% of the time, the child or adult interprets these types of well meaning statements as "You (the child) can really please me by really having fun today." Yet, when they go to school and do not have fun the child feels even more depressed and goes deeper into despair and clams up even more.
So what do we do? They need validation* which is the one thing we humans have a hard time understanding and doing. We want to fix the child. (That seems reasonable to me doesn't it to you). Have you ever tried? No more said. The child needs to know it is OK to feel what they feel. Once they know their feelings are OK, for some magical "spiritual" reason, the scary feelings and acting out flies away. Isn't that how it is with God, our Abba (Father). Romans 8:15 For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, "Abba! Father!"
We fear something. We act out in an unhealthy way. We finally talk it out with God. He validates us with His love, His grace and then works from the inside out of us to heal our pain, fears, anger and poof, the pain and acting out are gone. That is if you believe in the Christian God of Grace and Love. Know you are mentoring God and giving your child a face to God when you learn to validate them rather than fix them.
Principle #3: Situations like these in our lives and in my grandson's life is one of the many reasons Jesus came and died for us and rose from the grave. It is in these situations that Jesus can become experimentally real in our lives. When we are weak (scared, angry, freaking out,) He is strong on our behalf." 2 Corinthians 12:9 And He (God) has said to me (Paul), "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness " Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.
If we choose to ask God to work our internal pain out for us and we trust He will, a peace that passes understanding arises within us and we are "fit to conquer the world. " John 14:27 Jesus said "Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful. 2 Thessalonians 3:16 Now may the Lord of peace Himself continually grant you peace in every circumstance The Lord be with you all." We then give thanks, to God, why? Because we know we could never have changed ourselves.
Tell your children that Jesus wants to take his/her fear or anger away. Pray with your child and ask him/her to give the pain to Jesus as best he can. Remind him that neither you nor Jesus are mad at him. Tell him Jesus always wants to be there for him when he feels pain. He wants to fix it for you. When your child acts out again, go through this entire process once more inviting Jesus into your talking and praying things out.
*Validation: is communication to your child or spouse that the information being received and mirrored makes sense to you. It indicates that you can see the information from your child’s point of view and can accept that it has validity; meaning it is true for your child. It may not be true for you though. Validation requires a temporary suspension or transcendence, if you will, of your point of view. This allows your child’s experience to have it own reality. Typical validating phrases are:
“I can see that…. “
“It makes sense to me that you would think that.”
“I can understand that…..”
Such phrases convey to your child that their subjective experience is not crazy, that it has its own logic and that it is a valid way of looking at things.
To validate your child’s message does not mean that you agree with his/her point of view or that it reflects your subjective experience.
It merely recognizes the fact that people can see things differently. The process of validation affirms the child and increases trust and closeness. (Your goal)
