SELF-DISCLOSURE AND TRANSPARENCY = AUTHENTICITY


When I was growing up, in my church there was an emphasis on three things: Bible stories, obedience, and sin. Each story told of a biblical hero who obeyed God, even if that hero struggled to obey God. The hero's sin was pointed out to us; for example, Jonah trying to run from God, yet finally obeying Him. There seems to be nothing wrong with this approach except leaving out how to live the Christian life. What was not taught kept me stuck in condemnation for a very long time. Eventually I came to the place where I did not like myself at all. I even hated myself for not being able to be like the heroes of the Bible.

A friend once told me "Exhortation without explanation leads to frustration." With no explanation of how to live the Christian life I learned how to hide my inner life. I was frustrated, because all the application meant to me was, "I am not obedient; therefore, God is going to do something bad to me to get my attention." This kept me afraid of God, believing He would hurt me if I did not do what He wanted. Yet I could not muster up the wherewithal to follow in the footsteps of these heroes.

What became paramount in my life was to save face with my peers, my teachers and my parents by not letting on that I was indeed a sinner who on most occasions did not want to be obedient to God. Inadvertenly I did the same thing Adam and Eve did : I covered up my sins. I began what therapists call "playing games with people" in order to present myself in a good light. In reality, if we cover up our sins we still have them rather than allowing Jesus to take them from us.

You see I was too afraid of God to go to Him for mercy, forgiveness, or help. I was never taught that when I am weak that is when God can be strong on my behalf.

• 2 Corinthians 12: 9 But God said to me, My grace (My favor and loving-kindness and mercy) is enough for you [sufficient against any danger and enables you to bear the trouble manfully]; for My strength and power are made perfect (fulfilled and completed) and [b]show themselves most effective in [your] weakness. Therefore, I, Paul) will all the more gladly glory in my weaknesses and infirmities, that the strength and power of Christ (the Messiah) may rest (yes, may [c]pitch a tent over and dwell) upon me!

I never knew God was looking for weak people to glorify Him rather than strong people.

• 1 Corinthians 1:27-28  [No] for God selected (deliberately chose) what in the world is foolish to put the wise to shame, and what the world calls weak to put the strong to shame. 28And God also selected (deliberately chose) what in the world is lowborn and insignificant and branded and treated with contempt, even the things that are nothing, that He might depose and bring to nothing the things that are,

Living the Christian life was all up to me. I knew nothing about the Holy Spirit. As I look back, my church taught only two aspects of the Trinity; the Father and the Son. Not one word was mentioned about the Holy Spirit who was specially sent to each believer by Jesus. How can we have healthy churches leaving out one third of the Trinity and His work?
Generally speaking, Christians have spent years denying emotions, hiding their true feelings, and trying to control what they sense as their inner badness so it will not pop out unexpectedly and cause others, and God, to reject them. There was no platform within the church to be real even though the scriptures tell us, "to share one another's burdens so that you may be healed." There was no place to pour out your heart with all of its confusion, hurts and questions.

Donald Sloat, PhD. discovered that many of the Adult Children of Alcoholics concepts also fit dysfunctional Christian families and churches. Four of these rules include the Don't Talk, Don't Trust, Don't Feel, and Don't Want. Generally each of these laws are implied rather than delineated in the family or the church. No one really knows the reality of what is going on, but the enemy does. These laws are caught not necessarily taught.

Sloat concludes that "when these laws are systematically applied: They strike at the very heart of the normal, developmental, God-given processes that people must experience to grow into emotionally health people. In other words, following these laws leads to diminished emotional health because they cut the legs from under healthy development and wreak havoc with personal boundaries."

Let's look at these four laws. How many times in your family or in your church do you remember sitting under teachings or lectures; be it a Pastor, a Sunday school teacher, or even a parent and you know the unspoken law is to be silent, listen and not ask questions. This is the "Don't Talk Rule." Most homes and churches are run on this principle. Nothing unpleasant or the questioning of authority is permissible.

In many homes and churches we begin to learn to "Not Trust" our parents or our teachers, because if we are transparent we are put down, ridiculed, and judged. There is no affirmation of any internal conflict or questions we may have. We learn to be quiet and not trust others with our interior lives. We become skilled at "living lives of quiet desperation." Ultimately we realize it is just better to "Not Feel." Any anger or sadness is punished rather than trained how to "be angry and sin not." Our crying is ridiculed and punished with statements like "only babies cry."

The fourth concept is to "Not Need". We are to be content in whatever state we find ourselves. When principles become law we are subject to the outcome which is "the letter of the law kills." Once again this practiced law negates the internal personhood of a child or adult. We each need a safe place to talk, a person to trust and have our feelings understood rather than judged. Paul was a mature Christian who discovered the work God had done in his life and that gave him the ability to be content in any given situation. He could not just be commanded, "Be content." None of us can. We may try; but what we are really doing is negating a need we have by setting ourselves up for failure by forcing ourselves to do something we have not yet grown into through the Holy Spirit.

What might be a starting point toward resolution of these "disgraceful" rules? How can we and the churches help their members to enter the process of becoming open, honest, authentic Christians? As Carl Rogers expresses "a process by which the individual drops one after another of the defensive masks with which he has faced life, so that he may experience fully the hidden aspects of himself".

I would like to offer a starting place. This place is reflected in a research study entitled "Effects of Reciprocity and Self-monitoring on Self-Disclosure with a New Acquaintance" by Jourard. The research asserts that the matching of a subject's level of self-disclosure to a partner's level of self-disclosure has been repeatedly demonstrated in laboratory experiments. They call this phenomenon disclosure reciprocity. It seems that if a one person will self-disclose, then the partner will self-disclose at the same level as their partner. The deeper one discloses the deeper the other goes. Why is this so? When you are with someone who is honest about their inner life, an environment of safety is created for the other person who gives them the safety they need to self-disclose also.

I propose that pastors, Sunday school teachers, deacons, parents, teens, counselors etc. take the initiative to self-disclose their own personal struggles. Others will slowly begin to feel safe to share their inner most pain and confusion along with their imperfections and humanness. As they are accepted and not rejected, fragile people will begin to open themselves to the ministry of the Holy Spirit and growth toward health will begin.

Self-disclosure for the sake of transparency is not the end goal. Being loved by the God of this universe regardless of where we are in our journey to wholeness is the end goal. Once the church community begins to self-disclose and be authentic about their shortcomings and interior lives, we must then point the person to the God of grace. We need to remind them that He is not surprised by anything we may express to Him out of our inner emotional pain and suffering. Along with Dr. David Seamonds we need to be in a place ourselves to show them that "Grace is never shocked, never repulsed, and never withdrawn - whatever it is faced with. It is freely given, without any references to our goodness or badness, worthiness or unworthiness".