Ending the War with Yourself

I haven't said much about my book Ending the War with Myself. Even though I use myself in many of the examples, the book could be titled Ending the War with Yourself. So here are some thoughts about parts of the book.


During my years of counseling Christian clients, I continually found a common theme with each person I saw. Note, we can fall anywhere on the continuum of life. Some of us come across as extremely capable and self-sufficient while others of us believe we can't accomplish much of anything on our own. When either is asked, "How is your relationship with yourself?" They respond, without batting an eyelid, or asking me if I were crazy to ask such a question, "Oh, I am very hard on myself," or "I push myself really hard." "I'm a perfectionist," or "I judge myself all the time."

Now who is the person we are having this "insensitive relationship" with? Do you sometimes wonder to whom your self-talk is directed? I believe as Christians we each experience ourselves through three different avenues. One is the new recreated, born into God's family, filled with the Holy Spirit you. We like this one. The second is the flesh part of you. The part that is tempted to sin and by golly we fall for that temptation, "again!" We are not very happy with this one. :( Thirdly, there is the wounded part of you. Most of us are aware of the first two, but the third one, I am not so sure about.

As Christians we learn a lot about being loved and accepted by God in church. We are taught the Bible with all its principles for living healthy lives. Conversely, we also hear about the consequences of our missing the mark of God's perfection (sin). But the wounded you is not normally addressed. If we do get help, it is generally outside the church. Church for me was only learning about God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. Once that is under your belt, church was about going out and helping people. Something always seemed to be missing.

I now know we, the church, are leaving out a significant part of ourselves in our healing process with God. It was not until seven years ago as I was helping with a program called Living Waters, that I became acutely aware that the wounded parts of ourselves need to be addressed within the church. We used a small group format as many Bible studies do. I knew the program included teaching, praying and confessing of sin. What I observed was the program not only dealt with our personal failings (sins) but also with the pain of being sinned against.

Being sinned against by others brings on our woundedness. Unless the woundedness is dealt with it follows us into adulthood affecting the quality of our emotional and spiritual lives and the quality of our significant relationships. And to top it off, we continue wounding ourselves over and over again with our negative self-talk. We judge, condemn and drive ourselves without even knowing that we are adding to our own pain.

Is all of this biblical? As God's children He wants us to say about ourselves what He says about us. Of the many positive things He says about us one is Romans 8:1a, " 1THEREFORE, [there is] now no condemnation (no adjudging guilty of wrong) for those who are in Christ Jesus." God's children are no longer judged by God, therefore we are not to judge ourselves and add to our own woundedness. Yes, we are to listen to the Holy Spirit and discern when we truly do sin and ask for forgiveness, which is delivered instantly. There is a difference between judgment and discernment. As I studied judgment in Naves Topical Bible on http://www.biblegateway.com, I discovered that judgment always comes with either a punishment or reward. Discern means the ability to differentiate, recognize, detect between good and evil. Yes, we are to discern our sins, but not pronounce judgment on ourselves. Clients, who cut their bodies, not for suicidal purposes, are cutting their bodies as a judgment on themselves; a judgment of guilty with a self-imposed selected punishment.

One day as I was reading my Bible about the Pharisees asking Jesus, "What is the most important of all the commandments?" I saw something in Jesus' answer, found in Matthew 22:34, I had never seen before. See if you can find it.

34Now when the Pharisees heard that He (Jesus) had silenced (muzzled) the Sadducees, they gathered together. 35And one of their number, a lawyer, asked Him a question to test Him. 36Teacher, which kind of commandment is great and important (the principal kind) in the Law? [Some commandments are light--which are heavy?] 37And He (Jesus) replied to him, You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind (intellect) 38This is the great (most important, principal) and first commandment. 39And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as [you do] yourself. 40These two commandments sum up and upon them depend all the Law and the Prophets."

I knew the first two laws; love God and love others. This time, however, "as you do yourself" jumped out at me. Love myself? Is this heretical? Jesus tells us these two laws are preeminent over all other laws. The first law tells us to love God. The second law tells us to love others as we love ourselves. Look closely at these two laws and you will find Jesus commanding us to love three entities; first and above the others, we are to love God; secondly, to love ourselves; and thirdly, to love others. Only two of these three are generally addressed in Christian circles: God and others.

Leaving out loving yourself is a grave oversight. As Jesus goes on to say; “If you love God, and love others as you love yourself, you will be fulfilling all the law and the prophets.” Harper’s Bible Dictionary says, “Everything hangs upon the law of love; take away this, and all falls to the ground and comes to nothing.” “For the fulfilling of the law is love and the end of the law is love (Romans 13:10).” The Christian faith is about love being preeminent in all facets of our lives. “Love never fails (1Timothy 1:5).”