PRAYER CONFUSION

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The first years of my Christian walk I was considered a prayer warrior. I met with friends and we would pray for an hour or two for our families and anything of concern. I was even asked to lead prayer time in my rather large Sunday school class. I knew nothing of theological issues regarding prayer. I just prayed, which is not a bad thing at all. But I had some hidden detrimental beliefs that I wasn’t even aware of.

I put myself under several Bible teachers outside of my home church. From each of them I heard the same message regarding prayer. It was based on some of the teachings of John Wesley. This type of prayer is based on a quote by Wesley: "The hand of God does not move except through prayer.”

I spent hours, days and years taking God’s Word and praying it back to Him. For instance, if you were not saved I would pray, “Lord, Joe is not saved but I know You are not willing that anyone should perish.” I was told if I prayed Scripture prayers, God would answer. So with that belief, I was about the business of "moving the hands of God" for my family and others.

Now praying Scripture is not wrong. In fact it is biblical, it was the subliminal belief that nothing would happen unless "I" moved the hand of God. I began to get weary and sensed this terrible responsibility on my shoulders to get God moving.

Somewhere in my 10th year of being a Christian, my younger son, unbeknownst to my husband and myself, became involved with drugs. Over a ten year period I wrestled and struggled with my son and with God. He was in and out of rehab 4 times. Prayers were revved up. Praise God he did become a Christian, asked to be baptized, and got into a Bible study. Yet the drugs still had a hold on him. More prayers! I just knew God was going to work all of this together for my son’s good. He would be able to minister to those trapped by drugs. Right?

This did not happen. At age 26 he took his life. Devastation set in. Where were the hands of God? Didn’t I pray rightly? I described the next year or so as that period of my wrestling with God. I felt as if He and I were going round and round, wrestling as Jacob did with the angel of God. I too, like Job, never got a direct answer. I did get a heart implant though, as did Job. I knew because I knew that God is God and I am not. This was extremely comforting. Every Christian knows this but, in the past, I only knew this in my head. But now I knew it in my heart of hearts. The hidden misbelief that pressured me was gone. I still could not verbalize it though.

Ok, God is in charge now. I am not God. Without knowing anything at that time about Armenian prayer theology or Calvinistic prayer theology, my heart swung from one (Armenian) to the other (Calvinistic). I acknowledged I was exhausted moving the hand of God. I just could not do that anymore. I was confused. This confusion lasted quite a while.

I found myself thinking, if God is in charge and not me, then I will submit my day to the Lord knowing He has all contingences covered in my life and in yours. Whatever comes up, I said, I will face it at that time with God and not fret as to what could happen. And per chance I miss the will of God, He had that choice covered and would work it out for His good and my good even if there were consequences connected to my choice. Grace would see me through each day.

But I am not spending hours in prayer. Guilt hits me. Messages such as, "You do not love God. You are being too passive. None of your hopes are ever going to be answered. You are not willing to put in the sweat and blood and time," flashed through my mind. Evangelicals are untiring in reminding you to pray, pray, pray. More guilt. But if you trust God, I mean really trust Him, how much begging do you need to do?

The truth is both sides of this prayer coin are delineated in the Bible which comes down to the much discussed issue of the Free Will of Man and the Sovereignty of God. Man chooses to pray and God's hands move or God is Sovereign and my life is in His hands. When I was about the business of moving the hand of God I felt the burden was on me to know what to pray for each person, even though I knew the Scripture regarding the Holy Spirit praying through me.

Being a counselor didn't help either. I knew what to pray for my clients because they had allowed me into their inner most being. The discernment of God led these prayers. But if you asked me to pray for Suzie Jones, I had no idea what to pray. Why, because generally what the surface prayer request is, is not the real root of the issue. I wanted to go for the root of their request and pray for that.

Recently I discovered a way of praying that has helped me. These prayers are called "You are" prayers. For example; instead of having an attitude of asking or begging God, I pray, "Father, You are sufficient for me in this circumstance. You are the one who works all things together for good in this situation. You are my Father who forgives me for my sin. You are the great 'I Am' present with me every second, every minute of each day." I am praying Scripture yet I do not have the responsibility of moving God's hands. I am praising Him for who He is and at the same time reminding me, not Him, of His promises. God is now the one who has the responsibility of either answering or not answering my prayer.

I find in all areas of life grace always sets you free of heavy chronic internal burdens. The ever present burden I had was, it is my duty and responsibility to move the hands of God by reminding Him of His words in Scripture. What is different? Now, I remind myself of God's word. I remind myself God is responsible for moving His own hands. It is interesting how such a small nuance in my thinking has made such a heavy burden disappear.

This is not an inclusive blog regarding prayer. It is my story of my confusion. If you want further information regarding prayer I would highly recommend Jennifer Dean's website, blog, videos, Bible Study on prayer. Jennifer Kennedy Dean is Executive director of The Praying Life Foundation and a respected author and speaker. She is the author of numerous books, studies, and magazine articles specializing in prayer and spiritual formation. Her book Heart's Cry is a primary resource for National Day of Prayer. Her book, Live a Praying Life, has been called a flagship work on prayer. Widely recognized as an unusually gifted communicator of the deep truths of God's Word, Jennifer speaks all over the country calling God's people to discover the difference between "a prayer life" and "a praying life."

You can find her at http://www.prayinglife.org/