GOD-ESTEEM VS. SELF-ESTEEM

[This topic is two-fold. I am writing to you the person reading this, but also to those who are parents of children. You can apply this to your children as well as yourself]


The definition of self-esteem according to Baker Encyclopedia of Psychology states: Self-esteem is the unique characteristic of human beings to describe and evaluate themselves. Self-esteem is the degree of positive or negative feelings that one has as a result of such assessment.

As Christian parents we want our children to have a strong, positive foundation of acceptance of who they are. To date, the major characteristics of psychosocial development have not been amended since Eric Erikson devised the eight stages we each go through, either successfully or unsuccessfully. The list in order of development includes:

 Basic trust vs. Mistrust (very early childhood, based on quality of parent- child relationship)

 Autonomy vs. Shame and Doubt (preschool, dealing with self-control or over-parental control)

 Initiative vs. Guilt (grammar school, child plans and conquers and then must deal with issues of any guilt as a result)

 Industry vs. Inferiority (winning recognition through production) sports, music, academic achievement, leadership, whatever)

 Identity vs. Role Confusion (adolescence self-concept issues)

 Intimacy vs. Isolation (young adulthood, connecting with others)

 Regeneration vs. Stagnation (adulthood, regarding productivity in adulthood and the ability to reinvent one's self)

 Personal Integrity vs. Despair (late adulthood, life evaluation)

Each of us pray our children will not get stuck in any one particular developmental stage. We want them to successfully go through each stage and conquer it in order to have a healthy sense of self. And if as adults we became stuck in any one stage it would be advisable to receive some help in order to get unstuck and move on.

The word self-esteem in and of itself is neither positive nor negative nor right or wrong. It depends on how it is framed for a child or a Christian adult. God-esteem is a word I coined in order to replace the word self-esteem. Why? Self-esteem seems to have a negative connotation to many Christians. To many it denotes having confidence in self, in one's ability to succeed, in one's ability to live life our way with confidence without God. We trust in ourselves to do life. It is expressed in Frank Sinatra's song entitled "My Way" where he sings the refrain, "I did it my way." This implies he didn't do it God's way but his way.

The main difference I see between God-esteem and self-esteem is God is not in the life of the person. When God is not in a person's life you operate out of humanism. Humanism is the ability of men/women in and of themselves to bring about good, peace and justice for humanity. Their emphasis is on man's ability to self-actualize and become self-transcendent beings controlled by no one outside of themselves but by their own values and choices alone.

Many great and mighty things have been accomplished without God, as well as horrific things; however, becoming stronger in ourselves is in direct opposition to the Word of God. Christianity teaches we are unable to live out God’s directives. Hopefully we turn to God for His strength and His ability and His plan for our lives which He gives us through the indwelling of the Holy Spirit. God-esteem frees us to embrace the reality of our inadequacy yet at the same time to embrace the truth that we are loved and accepted by God. Humanism, on the other hand, builds up the flesh.

Flesh is defined in Romans 8:3 (Amplified Bible) as "the entire nature of man without the Holy Spirit;" in Romans 8:12 as "the carnal nature of man;" in 1 Corinthians 1:3 as “under the control of ordinary impulses;” and finally in Ephesians 2:3, "we as well as you once lived and conducted ourselves in the passions of our flesh [our behavior governed by our corrupt and sensual nature], obeying the impulses of the flesh and the thoughts of the mind [our cravings dictated by our senses and our dark imaginings]. We were then by nature children of [God's] wrath and heirs of [His] indignation, like the rest of mankind."

This way of life is contrary to the Gospel of Jesus Christ. God desires our "esteem" or estimation of ourselves to come from Him; thus the word "God-esteem". To me God-esteem seems to reflect God's intent towards us, His children. That intent is to love, to accept, to protect, to teach, to care for, to mentor, to forgive and to give mercy to us especially when it is undeserved. I John 4:19 states, "We love God because He first loved us." While we were in the depth of sin and did not know or care about Him, God loved us (Romans5:8 paraphrase). In sending Jesus he made a way for us to receive His love. Once we discover how much He loves us, we feel safe to love Him back. Our God-esteem comes from God's love for us.

But what happens to our God-esteem if we fail at something? I do not know what humanists feel or think when they fail. I do know what I think and feel. In the past I did one of two things. I was angry and found someone else to blame which protected me from my own reality or I would lash out at myself, judging and condemning myself which led to depression and anxiety.

God does not want Christians blaming others for our failures. He also does not want us to beat up on ourselves for days, weeks, months or a life time for our failures. It is in your failures and your child's failures "God-Esteem" comes to the rescue. Once you sense true remorse in yourself or your child, it is time to build back up your God-Esteem. Remind yourself of who you are in Christ. Remind yourself what God has done for you because of Jesus' completed work on the cross. One gift from God is His forgiveness and “there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” Romans 8:1)Celebrate with your child God's forgiveness.  Celebrate with enthusiasm how merciful and loving God is. Thank God and give Him praise. By doing this you are building up the child's God-esteem.